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I think I may have unsuspectingly crashed into a subject that is so uncomfortable for women to talk about, it literally turn their faces eight shades of pink when you bring it up.

I asked Tina, an uber-smart Mom of two wee ones, S Factor Instructor babe and analytical financial whiz, "What comes to mind when I say the word penis?" 

She paused a long strange pause, smiled, dropped her chin about three quarters of an inch, peered up from lowered lids, and scrunching up her nose, said, "Yuk."  I persisted, “What do you mean yuk?”  She took a beat, then said something to the effect of, “They’re so weird looking and a little intimidating.”

Jennifer, a 26-year-old, classically carved Grace Kelly looking lass was in the room.  She turned her lovely blonde profile to the left, paused at length, smirked and said, “Ewww.  They’re a little…scary.”

I asked my best girlfriend, whose face I couldn’t see because it was over the phone, the same question.  Again!  There was that long strange pause followed by a strong, simple, “Uggggggggly!” 

The "long strange pause" that followed my queries troubled me.  It only took me three times to realize that asking women about penises makes them extremely uncomfortable.  And asking them to say the word penis three times in a row out loud makes them even more uncomfortable.  So, I started delving deeper into the relationship between women and the ever elusive and sometimes big bad penis. 

Let’s face it, the penis has a bad rap.  I thought for the longest time it was just me, but the more women I talked to about penises, the more I learned that many of us are kind of...repulsively mystified by them.  I mean let's face it, penises are not well respected.  Feared, yes, thought odd and strange, yes.  But respected, not at all.  Not one iota of respect was revealed on the faces or in the voices of any of the women I spoke to.  That bothered me.  Those who mentioned that penises frightened them, said it was "fear of the unknown."  Those who said they were just "not very attractive," said they put up with them because they love the men they're attached to.  Across the board every woman I spoke to said they didn’t know enough about penises and that that made them off limits, out of bounds, alien, scary and not a part of their daily life.

Let me ask you a question, "When was the first time in your life you saw a human penis in a non-sexual way?"

I flashback to that fateful day in 1972, growing up in a modest American family, penises were not to be seen or discussed.  I was eight and I accidentally walked in on my Dad changing and briefly saw…well his penis, which looked like a flappy-skinned vulture thing hanging between his legs.  I just wasn’t prepared; sorry to say but it was gross.  I screamed.  He jumped and I mean jumped backward into the closet out of sight and swore at me, "Get the hell out of here!"  A more terrified little girl you will never see in your life.  I think I actually hid in my room for the rest of the day wondering, "What was that thing on my Daaaaaad!!!!"  It completely freaked me out.  My introduction to the penis in all its glory turned out to be a frightening and traumatic experience.  With no explanation of what I had just experienced, the image just sat uninterrupted in my brain for the next several years, and fermented into fear of the unknown.

To make matters worse and to illuminate how ignorant I was about male anatomy, I didn’t realize that penises grew and then got small again and then grew again, you know those things called "erections," until the eighth grade when I slow-danced with a boy for the first time.  I think the song was "Lady" by the Little River Band.  His name was Chickie Pukulski and I loved him.  Madly.  Deeply.  I dreamed of him looking deeply into my soul with his vacuous light brown eyes.  This was my first slow dance, close-to-close.  I  remember how we Frankenstein-walked toward each other at the opening strains of the wailing guitar, awkwardly found our way belly to belly, rocked aimlessly from right foot to left, and right around the second, “Laaaaaady, you’re my womaaaaaaan,” I felt it, a strange foreign object pushing against my belly.  I knew it was something I wasn’t supposed to comment on but I really didn’t know what it was.  Thus more fear of the unknown began to build.

The second time I saw a human penis in the flesh I was sixteen.  The unspoken came to life one fateful night when my high school boyfriend Mo Havadivich walked all the way to my house in the rain (like five miles) because he realized while watching Love American Style that he loved me madly and needed to tell me, hold me and adore me because I was leaving for college in three months.  He shivered and cried and then...out popped his penis.  It was an erect penis and it was an insistent penis.  It was also a shocking penis because it seemed to have its own very aggressive agenda:  to be taken care of, stroked, coddled like an insistent and hungry little alien.  (Note:  When in conversation with a man, NEVER use the word "little" within 26 words of the word penis.)  It was so incongruous because I had always seen Mo as a reasonable, strong, intelligent guy.  He had always seemed to have all of his stuff together.  So to meet this needy creature begging for attention attached to his pelvis was…well it was just weird.  The fear of this unknown thing continued to grow.

All through my kid-hood, factual, anatomical educational conversations about penises were nowhere to be found.  Noooooowhere!  How is a woman supposed to grow up into a healthy sexually active adult if she has to spend a large part of her early adult years just getting used to what a penis is?!  There's just too much we don't know about penises and that's not right.  So let’s get educated...

With the help of the good ol' Internet I made some discoveries.  Here goes:  A penis is basically a muscle with three chambers that fill up with blood.  That's it.  In an ironic way, it's no different than a heart.  The "head" is called the "glans" and it is the most sensitive part.  The rest of it is called the "shaft."  If it is uncircumcised the skin covering the penis is called the "foreskin."  About 70% of the penises hanging around the world are uncircumcised.  The United States has the highest percentage of circumcised penises.  The penis becomes erect when the brain sends it a signal to fill up with blood.  It does not have an evil intent, it’s just trying to get by like all of us. 

It lives in plain sight on a rational (hopefully) compassionate and intelligent man (again, hopefully) and is not intended by nature to be elusive, hidden or frightening.  Unlike our vaginas, which are hidden from view, penises are right there hanging out in the world.  Here are some more fun facts that I didn’t know until I started digging.  Did you know that penises are shaped like boomerangs?  Yep, there is a "root" that curves up inside the pelvis so the outside part is just half of the length.  The average length when not erect is 3.5 inches.  Hmmm, …it’s true.  The smallest penis ever recorded was 5/8 of an inch. Oh….that must have been tough.  Penises ejaculate about 14 gallons of semen over a lifetime.  Mmmm-hmmm…  The scent of lavender, chocolate and pumpkin pie are said to increase blood flow to the penis.  Men have on average 11 erections a day.  I know, shocking!  I had no idea, I was thinking possibly two, maybe four.  On average men have around 8 erections in their sleep.  I knooooooow!!!!  And I sleep next to a man every night.  These erections are absolutely fascinating when you take away the mystery of the unknown.  An erection is a completely involuntary response of the body similar to how our nipples squish up and poke out and then go soft.  Penises go up and down just like that. 

As a culture, we have erased certain body parts from public view.  We have actually erased them off of our bodies.  Take a look at any GI Joe doll or Barbie.  Vaginas disappeared followed by penises.  Buttocks left but then came back by popular demand.  And breasts were cast outside the walls of social acceptability in Western culture, except for the south of France.  It’s almost as though we have to draw these parts back in so we can make sure our children, female and male, see their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex as normal.

Let’s bring the dragon out of the cave and prove that he isn’t a frightening fire breathing demon; that he’s really just a misunderstood loving, powerful and protective magician who’s been trapped by a puritanical past. I went on a hunt, looking for penises in their various states and conditions, in my attempt to demystify the male sexual organ.  I want my kids to know that a penis is a penis is a penis and not a scary unknown or something to be ashamed of.  Look kids, here’s a penis working on the farm.  And look at this one, here’s a penis after a cold swim.  And here’s a penis dancing the Merengue!  When seen in the light of day, without the onus or taboo that we put on them, there is nothing evil or pornographic about a penis.

When you begin to educate yourself, see them and understand them, the male organ of procreation is simply magnificent.  They are artful and alive and sleek and powerful.  They are constantly changing.  They help create life, they help bond love, generate passion and satisfy natural desires and that deserves our respect.  And most of all they are attached to the men we love, have loved and will love. 

With a big, fat, luscious hug!